Funny Classified Ads!

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in Newspapers:
 

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB – $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES FOR SALE, -NEVER BRED…ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK – $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT – $15

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL – 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.  NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50

NORDIC TRACK $300  HARDLY USED  CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING “WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.  LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE..BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES – CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.  STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:  QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

OPEN HOUSE:  BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG’S POT TARTS – $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb.